Sure with your kids, the more they grow up, the more a mom is seen as the evil monster who does not want them to be happy and free.
She is the one who asks them to clean up their room and eat their veggies.
But when you have a child on the Autism Spectrum Disorder, those years start way before their teen years. In fact, it might be in motion since Day One!
How My Asperger’s Child Classifies Everyone Of Us
There is a role for everyone of us.
Dealing With The Therapist
When the therapist started working with my Asperger’s daughter, my daughter was like 8 or 9 years old. She noticed that my daughter was giving roles to everyone around her. And those roles were not interchangeable. Absolutely not. And mostly, those roles were almost definitive.
The role of the therapist: the good one! She is helping her learn about her attitude, her emotions, her anger. And it is still the case today. With her, my daughter accepts working on her sensory processing disorder and she likes working with a pen and paper to understand the basics about behavior, attitude, manners and social interactions. But with anybody else, she systematically refuses to sit down and talk about it.
Dealing With Her Little Sister
Having three younger siblings can mix things up. The two little ones certainly don’t have a role right now except being the babies of the family. That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less.
But for her other sister it is kind of different. They are the best friends/sisters in the whole world. We haven’t force a relationship on them. It has always been there, simple and easy, most of the time. We find them asleep in each other’s arms since forever.
Sisters For Life
But at the same time, they are like complete opposites. One is always bubbly, energetic, happy, and the other one is grumpier, angrier and more serious. One wants to be moving all around, like all the time, while the other one wants to be left alone or watch TV most of the time. One does cartwheels even late at night while the other one hides somewhere with the iPad she was forbidden for the night.
So my eldest daughter gave her sister the role of the child who listens to the rules, who has lots of friends, who seems perfect in all points. So when she is mad, it is on her little sister that she vents her frustrations or her sensory overload. That has created a lot of confusion and dispute in the past (and it still does). And my little one is still learning to overcome the whole situation.
Dealing With Her Grand-Parents
Her grandpa and her grandma are very precious to my daughter (and for all my kids as a matter of fact). So my children tend to follow the rules (better) when they are with them.
This even apply to my Asperger’s daughter. She complies to almost everything they ask her. She turns off the computer (most of the time) when they ask her to, she cleans after herself, goes to sleep on time and so on.
So for her, the grandparents role is to be nice with their grandchildren. She soon realized that if she wants that to keep happening, she must comply to be a good grandchild. That’s the role she has attributed to herself and her grandparents and she is maintaining those roles.
Dealing With Her Teacher
My daughter loves her teacher. Really really much. So much that when there is a substitute teacher for the day, she does all she can to avoid going to school. First, it creates her a lot of stress and anxiety, second, it is not HER teacher so she is sure she won’t like how she teaches or her personality. I think she feels like she is betraying her beloved teacher by letting another teacher taking her place without a protest.
The role she gave to her teacher is also a good one. She learns with her teacher, she does all kind of great activities with her. Her teacher is a role-model to her. She is nice, funny, smart. So how could she confront her on an everyday basis?
Dealing With Her Dad
The therapist noticed my daughter gave all nice attributes to her dad. If you want to have fun, you go to your dad. If you want to be protected, daddy is always there. If you need someone strong to help you opening a jar, ask dad. If you want to keep watching the TV for five more minutes before going to bed, dad may say yes. If you want to go on a hike, at the pool, build a bird’s house, go at the hardware store, then dad is always ready.
So even if my daughter knows her dad is not perfect and can be bossy when he needs to, and that he doesn’t say YES all the time, she still puts him on the ‘nice’ list.
What Role Is Left For Mom Then
Every story needs a vilain, an evil b****. In my daughter’s story, most of the time I AM! But as I said earlier, the protest peak is usually reached during your children’s teen years. But with my daughter it has started way more earlier. She decided my role was the bad one. Sure we do not always fight. We have our good moments everyday and we deeply love each other. But when I put my mom’s chief hat on, automatically I become the B.
Put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket: NO!
Eat breakfast before going to school: NO!
Brush your teeth: NO!
Five more minutes before bedtime: NO WAY!
No foot on the table: [complete ignorance]
Could you… Can you… Would you…: NO, NO and NO!
Because I Said So
Whatever I ask, even if it is simple, justified and reasonable request, the answer is mostly and definitely NO!
Sometimes I am trying to explain her why I ask something or why I make a certain request, or how it can be beneficial to her, but she is usually resilient for no reason. She says NO to say NO.
She often says I cannot be the boss of her and that if I give her an order she should be entitled to give me one herself. All humans should be equals according to her. We are working on those issues and pre-conceived ideas with her therapist. But it always comes up once in a while that I AM the bad guy.
Do I Get Sad?
Yes I do! I often do! But each time I have to remember that I am a good mom and that I am doing my best to raise my children in the best possible way. Often I need to remind myself that if my daughter thinks or acts the way she is, it has to do not only with her Asperger’s (even if it does a lot), but also with her oppositional deficient disorder.
I Am Used To Being The B****
I have been the devil for a long time. It has all started with my in-laws when according to them I stole their only son’s heart more than fifteen years ago. He was not supposed to get married and settled on the long-term. He was supposed to have fun, and never get any strings attached to any girl at any time. They have always seen me as the witch that changed their plans. They were supposed to be the only ones he would ever love for the rest of his life. The story didn’t go has planned. Oopsy!
Maybe all this drama helped me overcoming being the B****. I don’t know, but it certainly helped me create a harder shell around my heart for tragedies.
Embracing Being The B****
This morning, as I was struggling with my daughter’s attitude before school, and was being ignored in my requests, I decided being the B might not be such a bad thing after all. Sure it is hard on my ego and my self-esteem sometimes, but one day I’ll be proud I stood through it.
When strangers or relatives tell me my kids are well behaved I’m so proud. When they have good manners I am prouder. So in the long run, being the ‘mean’ mom will, I hope, lead them to be good persons.
I am no mean in any way believe me. I am just asking them such things as to pick up after themselves, to brush their teeth, to take a daily shower, to eat with a fork and not with their hands and to behave well in school and in most situations. It is just regular mom stuff.
Better being me raising them than any other person.
So let be it. I’ll accept being the B if I need to, it is for their own good!